About Me: Lately
A year of silence, a silenced mind, and a silenced life. My wife and I were married in January and that seems to be my life's turning point. That seems to be the turning point of many people's lives. What if I don't like the road my life has unexpectedly turned down? What if the road I've turned down isn't what I was looking forward to, preparing for, and needing? Why is this road paved? Where is my adventure?
Life as a manic-depressive has taken a turn for what some people would call "the best". But would I? Is this life really the best for me? God, how could it actually even be better for me? 32.85 grams of lithium seems to be standing in my way. Thats how much lithium was given to my body last year. The roaring passion once held for my wife, for my mind, for the very air I breathed seems to have dwindled to mere embers towards the bottom of the fire. I find myself envious of those around me. Those with happy-go-lucky smiles, those with jovial smiles, those with anger issues, and even those in depression. I want to FEEL like they do. What's happened to me? Why can I not feel sad, why can I not feel elated? It's been almost 2 years since I've been diagnosed, why does it feel like I am losing touch with life instead of gaining a perspective on the life I was missing? Why do I feel like I wasn't missing a thing?
After the wedding and honeymoon, the excitement was over. We had jobs, we had school, we had...Responsibility. A vacation to Colorado seemed to be our respite from the world's hold on our love affair with each other and our own lives. Upon arriving back from vacation, it was almost immediate immersion into the same flaccid romance of life. I almost sometimes want to be struggling financially, want to be struggling to make ends meet, to wonder if my wife loves me, or thinks I'm attractive. It feels as if all the appeal of the unknowns and intangibles of marriage have been yanked out and replaced by "comfortable" emotions. I can't find any ounce of evidence to find her at fault, but at the same time I can't find any supporting my failure. I want to say it hurts, i want to cry, I want to unload when she says "I'm bored with marriage, I wish we weren't married because I'm so bored all the time. I would have broken up with you by now had we been dating." It's not what you think either.... I want to be hurt, I want to cry, because I agree with her.
There's no excitement anymore and I can't figure out who to blame: the lithium, the responsibility, my wife, myself, or all of it. Perhaps the first step to recovering the love of life is to reveal the lack of said love. It's gone. I miss it. I want it. At the writing of these words I can feel deep dormant feelings awakening. A year of silence, a year without writing, and a year without excitement. Writing has been a my love for most of my life. It released my tear struck, bloodstained, impassioned, and love-ridden emotions onto paper, onto the keyboard, out of my soul. I'm tired of the silence, of the darkness. My relationship with God, my wife, myself have all been affected by this.
Life as a manic-depressive has taken a turn for what some people would call "the best". But would I? Is this life really the best for me? God, how could it actually even be better for me? 32.85 grams of lithium seems to be standing in my way. Thats how much lithium was given to my body last year. The roaring passion once held for my wife, for my mind, for the very air I breathed seems to have dwindled to mere embers towards the bottom of the fire. I find myself envious of those around me. Those with happy-go-lucky smiles, those with jovial smiles, those with anger issues, and even those in depression. I want to FEEL like they do. What's happened to me? Why can I not feel sad, why can I not feel elated? It's been almost 2 years since I've been diagnosed, why does it feel like I am losing touch with life instead of gaining a perspective on the life I was missing? Why do I feel like I wasn't missing a thing?
After the wedding and honeymoon, the excitement was over. We had jobs, we had school, we had...Responsibility. A vacation to Colorado seemed to be our respite from the world's hold on our love affair with each other and our own lives. Upon arriving back from vacation, it was almost immediate immersion into the same flaccid romance of life. I almost sometimes want to be struggling financially, want to be struggling to make ends meet, to wonder if my wife loves me, or thinks I'm attractive. It feels as if all the appeal of the unknowns and intangibles of marriage have been yanked out and replaced by "comfortable" emotions. I can't find any ounce of evidence to find her at fault, but at the same time I can't find any supporting my failure. I want to say it hurts, i want to cry, I want to unload when she says "I'm bored with marriage, I wish we weren't married because I'm so bored all the time. I would have broken up with you by now had we been dating." It's not what you think either.... I want to be hurt, I want to cry, because I agree with her.
There's no excitement anymore and I can't figure out who to blame: the lithium, the responsibility, my wife, myself, or all of it. Perhaps the first step to recovering the love of life is to reveal the lack of said love. It's gone. I miss it. I want it. At the writing of these words I can feel deep dormant feelings awakening. A year of silence, a year without writing, and a year without excitement. Writing has been a my love for most of my life. It released my tear struck, bloodstained, impassioned, and love-ridden emotions onto paper, onto the keyboard, out of my soul. I'm tired of the silence, of the darkness. My relationship with God, my wife, myself have all been affected by this.
3 Comments:
I wish I had some magical words, I don't. Knowing there are others like us is a huge help, know what I mean? What you're saying is familiar, you're missing the rollercoaster, the excitement, the challenge, the chase. Part of that is your medicine working, but there's a fine line (and I forget the word) where life becomes too bland & I know you don't want that. (melancholy?)
I hope you have a therapist you can be 100% honest with, if you don't, try to find one.
You see others smiling & their lives seem perfect, but remember...you are judging them by their outer behavior & you are judging you by your feelings.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. It's always nice to find another chocoholic!
:)
Hello. I'm not officially diagnosed as bipolar but I am aware of my condition. I Googled "confessions of a bipolar" and your blog appeared first in the search results. I know it's been years since you last wrote an entry but I want to say that your writing is inspiringly beautiful. I get your struggle and maybe, if we were friends, you'd know you're not the only one who's experiencing this. We both know we're not the only ones and sometimes I find it a relief to know I'm not alone. Your reference to God makes me strong, and right now, I wish I can talk to someone like you.
I'd like to share something even though you're a total stranger to me:
“Creativity is closely associated with bipolar disorder. This condition is unique . Many famous historical figures and artists have had this. Yet they have led a full life and contributed so much to the society and world at large. See, you have a gift. People with bipolar disorder are very very sensitive. Much more than ordinary people. They are able to experience emotions in a very deep and intense way. It gives them a very different perspective of the world. It is not that they lose touch with reality. But the feelings of extreme intensity are manifested in creative things. They pour their emotions into either writing or whatever field they have chosen." (Preeti Shenoy)
I think you're a very good writer, and maybe being bipolar helps in your being a good writer. I'm thankful for your blog. I don't know if you're still alive but I believe kind words should never be left unsaid.
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