Prayers: What Sin?

What sin? is exactly what God says every time I bring him a load of my garbage. I'm tired of knowing what is right and doing what is wrong. It hurts my relationship with God, it kills me inside, and it is seriously threatening my relationship with my fiance.

Tonight I prayed a vow to Him. I vowed to abstain from the sin. I asked God to help me with the vow, just as I will ask him to help me with the vows my fiance and I share with each other on the big day. I want to wake up every morning and ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit, ask him to fill me to the brim with the joy and splendor of Salvation. Vows are meant to be sacred, an extremely important thing between God and a person. Tonight, last night, last week, tomorrow, all of these days have one thing in common..... Each day I want God to help me with this addiction. I want Him to help. I want Him to come into my life and repel the temptation with one fail swoop.

I've tried, time and time again. Nothing ever seems to work, I've worked this out over and over. I really don't want it, I really don't need it, but why then, WHY must I face it almost on a daily basis. Why??? Because for some inexplicable reason I choose to reject God, I choose to fight this on my own.

I cannot finish the race alone, I haven't started the race, and most definitely cannot persevere during the race without the God of the Universe breathing life into me. Because of His Son, I am saved. Because of my acceptance I am filled with conviction about my sin. Why can I not believe He will deliver me?