About Me: Lately
A year of silence, a silenced mind, and a silenced life. My wife and I were married in January and that seems to be my life's turning point. That seems to be the turning point of many people's lives. What if I don't like the road my life has unexpectedly turned down? What if the road I've turned down isn't what I was looking forward to, preparing for, and needing? Why is this road paved? Where is my adventure?
Life as a manic-depressive has taken a turn for what some people would call "the best". But would I? Is this life really the best for me? God, how could it actually even be better for me? 32.85 grams of lithium seems to be standing in my way. Thats how much lithium was given to my body last year. The roaring passion once held for my wife, for my mind, for the very air I breathed seems to have dwindled to mere embers towards the bottom of the fire. I find myself envious of those around me. Those with happy-go-lucky smiles, those with jovial smiles, those with anger issues, and even those in depression. I want to FEEL like they do. What's happened to me? Why can I not feel sad, why can I not feel elated? It's been almost 2 years since I've been diagnosed, why does it feel like I am losing touch with life instead of gaining a perspective on the life I was missing? Why do I feel like I wasn't missing a thing?
After the wedding and honeymoon, the excitement was over. We had jobs, we had school, we had...Responsibility. A vacation to Colorado seemed to be our respite from the world's hold on our love affair with each other and our own lives. Upon arriving back from vacation, it was almost immediate immersion into the same flaccid romance of life. I almost sometimes want to be struggling financially, want to be struggling to make ends meet, to wonder if my wife loves me, or thinks I'm attractive. It feels as if all the appeal of the unknowns and intangibles of marriage have been yanked out and replaced by "comfortable" emotions. I can't find any ounce of evidence to find her at fault, but at the same time I can't find any supporting my failure. I want to say it hurts, i want to cry, I want to unload when she says "I'm bored with marriage, I wish we weren't married because I'm so bored all the time. I would have broken up with you by now had we been dating." It's not what you think either.... I want to be hurt, I want to cry, because I agree with her.
There's no excitement anymore and I can't figure out who to blame: the lithium, the responsibility, my wife, myself, or all of it. Perhaps the first step to recovering the love of life is to reveal the lack of said love. It's gone. I miss it. I want it. At the writing of these words I can feel deep dormant feelings awakening. A year of silence, a year without writing, and a year without excitement. Writing has been a my love for most of my life. It released my tear struck, bloodstained, impassioned, and love-ridden emotions onto paper, onto the keyboard, out of my soul. I'm tired of the silence, of the darkness. My relationship with God, my wife, myself have all been affected by this.
Life as a manic-depressive has taken a turn for what some people would call "the best". But would I? Is this life really the best for me? God, how could it actually even be better for me? 32.85 grams of lithium seems to be standing in my way. Thats how much lithium was given to my body last year. The roaring passion once held for my wife, for my mind, for the very air I breathed seems to have dwindled to mere embers towards the bottom of the fire. I find myself envious of those around me. Those with happy-go-lucky smiles, those with jovial smiles, those with anger issues, and even those in depression. I want to FEEL like they do. What's happened to me? Why can I not feel sad, why can I not feel elated? It's been almost 2 years since I've been diagnosed, why does it feel like I am losing touch with life instead of gaining a perspective on the life I was missing? Why do I feel like I wasn't missing a thing?
After the wedding and honeymoon, the excitement was over. We had jobs, we had school, we had...Responsibility. A vacation to Colorado seemed to be our respite from the world's hold on our love affair with each other and our own lives. Upon arriving back from vacation, it was almost immediate immersion into the same flaccid romance of life. I almost sometimes want to be struggling financially, want to be struggling to make ends meet, to wonder if my wife loves me, or thinks I'm attractive. It feels as if all the appeal of the unknowns and intangibles of marriage have been yanked out and replaced by "comfortable" emotions. I can't find any ounce of evidence to find her at fault, but at the same time I can't find any supporting my failure. I want to say it hurts, i want to cry, I want to unload when she says "I'm bored with marriage, I wish we weren't married because I'm so bored all the time. I would have broken up with you by now had we been dating." It's not what you think either.... I want to be hurt, I want to cry, because I agree with her.
There's no excitement anymore and I can't figure out who to blame: the lithium, the responsibility, my wife, myself, or all of it. Perhaps the first step to recovering the love of life is to reveal the lack of said love. It's gone. I miss it. I want it. At the writing of these words I can feel deep dormant feelings awakening. A year of silence, a year without writing, and a year without excitement. Writing has been a my love for most of my life. It released my tear struck, bloodstained, impassioned, and love-ridden emotions onto paper, onto the keyboard, out of my soul. I'm tired of the silence, of the darkness. My relationship with God, my wife, myself have all been affected by this.
