Prayers: Tonight

Tonight I feel connected to my feelings. I feel tied to them. A strange sense of peace has overcome me since Sunday night. A very strange controllable peace. For some reason unbeknown to me I am able to grasp my emotional ups and down. My medicine has been more stable. I don't feel lost, I don't feel helpless. I feel empowered.

I don't want to lose this power. I don't want to lose the control over myself. I want to face adversity with this new found peace and stability. I want to live according to His will. I want to daily submit myself to Him. I pray that I implement "teamwork" in my relationships.

I feel so much growth lately. So much spiritual movement. I kind of wish I wasn't on my medication so I would be able to "feel" this more. But the good thing about it now, is that I can appreciate, respect, and cultivate the feeling.

I pray for joy for my fiance and me. I pray for relief from a storm for my friend in an abusive relationship. I want to help her, but don't know what to do.

Prayers: What Sin?

What sin? is exactly what God says every time I bring him a load of my garbage. I'm tired of knowing what is right and doing what is wrong. It hurts my relationship with God, it kills me inside, and it is seriously threatening my relationship with my fiance.

Tonight I prayed a vow to Him. I vowed to abstain from the sin. I asked God to help me with the vow, just as I will ask him to help me with the vows my fiance and I share with each other on the big day. I want to wake up every morning and ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit, ask him to fill me to the brim with the joy and splendor of Salvation. Vows are meant to be sacred, an extremely important thing between God and a person. Tonight, last night, last week, tomorrow, all of these days have one thing in common..... Each day I want God to help me with this addiction. I want Him to help. I want Him to come into my life and repel the temptation with one fail swoop.

I've tried, time and time again. Nothing ever seems to work, I've worked this out over and over. I really don't want it, I really don't need it, but why then, WHY must I face it almost on a daily basis. Why??? Because for some inexplicable reason I choose to reject God, I choose to fight this on my own.

I cannot finish the race alone, I haven't started the race, and most definitely cannot persevere during the race without the God of the Universe breathing life into me. Because of His Son, I am saved. Because of my acceptance I am filled with conviction about my sin. Why can I not believe He will deliver me?

Antics: Well Well

Something I really want to have in life is the ability to make people happy. The ability to be political. Right now I am too blunt, too forceful, and too overbearing. When I am not either of those I am shy and reserved. My father is the ultimate at this. For some reason down deep inside I feel this is impossible for me. I feel that if people don't like and accept me for who I am why should I have to bend over backwards, be someone I'm not to get something from them? In my current choice of profession, it would behoove me to play the political games to advance more quickly. I guess I kind of agree why that is the case, but I would rather be promoted by how well I worked rather than by what my bosses thought of my attitude.

I like to realize that I am not perfect and I like goals. I want to strive to become a better person, a better Christian, a better fiance, a better friend, and better worker. I don't want to become so dead-set in my ways that I am unable to better myself. I thank God for making me the way that I am and then giving me the tools to make something of myself.

So I finally got Fedora Linux loaded on my laptop! It was about time. Now I am about to spend the next couple hours trying to get wireless card to work. What's cool is I am actually updating this from Linux using Blog Entry Poster. Overall I'm fairly happy with the installation. It could have gone a bit smoother, but the cd-rom in my laptop is shot, so I'll take what I can get.

I actually wanted to re-install windows, but for some strange reason my cd-rom only reads DVDs, and those only half the time and not all the way through.

Prayers: I'm not the same

My prayer for today is for those who are unaccepted. Myself included. I pray that we look inside of ourselves and accept the out-reached hands of the neighbors around us. Everyone has been unaccepted at one point in their lives. Everyone has treated someone else unacceptably. My prayer is that I treat others with the same accepting heart that God has shown me through His Son and His Word. I also pray that I look inside of myself and rid myself of the fear of being unaccepted. I know that this fear has caused a lot of the drift between myself and many of the people I know.

For some reason I am unaccepting of certain types of people at a specific church. I am actually afraid to go in there and I honestly don't believe this stems from my social anxiety. The passion isn't lacking, but I want the confidence to raise my arms in church. Everyone else has their arms raised, and I know I am invited to raise mine, but my fear overtakes me. I pray that the fear within all of us is reckoned with.

My life is not mine. My life died when I accepted Christ into my soul. Why do I try to live as if he doesn't reside within my heart?
God gave himself bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder when I was diagnosed, why am I resentful or ashamed? God gave this to Himself through me... If I were smart I'd bring it to him daily, just as I take my medicine daily. Maybe that's what I'll do, with each pill I will say a prayer to the Lord who has given me the disorders and the means to combat them.

- 2 Minds

Ramblings: Frustration

For some reason unbeknown to me it is increasingly difficult to install Fedora Core 5 on my laptop. If my cd rom drive wasn't such a piece of crap I think this would have worked swimmingly, but the network installation is proving to be a wee bit more difficult that I expected. It seems as though all of the packages i downloaded from red hat's website have corrupt packages in them... Very odd!

on to more meaningful topics.

the marriage topic! A few doubts have arisen in both of our minds. I guess we're just a little anxious about what marriage actually means to us and to the world. she's worried about the financial strains that we might go through and probably will go through. I am also worried about that as well, but i think behind both of our worries is an underlying uneasyness as to the actual responsibilities that it brings with it. I'm sort of glad that we are able to express our doubts and worries with each other. I am also very happy that of all the doubts we've expressed to one other my illness has yet to surface. It's been relatively quiet and subtle for the last 7 months. Although times are still hard every once and awhile she really recognizes what is the illness and what is me, even when sometimes i can't distinguish between the two.

there are times in my life when i realize that there are good and bad things in my life and how i deal with each predicts my future. life is inevititably divided into 2 portions and i am excruciatingly reminded almost daily of this bitter truth. I have learned a lot about myself in the past 8 months. a lot more than I would have had I not found out i was bipolar, a lot more than i would have had i not met my fiance, and a lot more than i would have had i not renewed my relationship with Christ.

"For with God, nothing is impossible." - Luke 1:37

About Me: Task Oriented

It's amazing how my emotions can be almost forgotten when i am given a task. An interesting project is all i need to not think or feel what only moments ago i felt stinging my emotions. i am not "forgetting" these emotions. i usually dwell on them until they turns into a black miserable pool from which i am unable to escape. Projects actually make me happy. They bring joy to my life that was previously not there. The completion is not what i look forward to, but the problem solving and tunnelled thoughts are what i love. Progress, actions, and motions are my friends. God put me here to make progress, to finish projects, not to waste away in the slime of my desperate emotions. i want to make Him happy.

About Me: The first day

i am writer, a man, Christian, and yes i am bipolar. My goals are to remain anonymous, to impact the world, and to serve my Lord. i want to live without this disorder as well as the anxiety disorder that resides on top of it. i want to live like normal people do, but i am unable. i never want to take my medication, but i have to. sometimes it feels as if i am bodnded with chains while the rest of the world can move about freely. yes i know this chained feeling is "normal" for everyone else, but i am not normal...

It is very humbling for a prideful man to be classified with such a debilitating weakness. i have heard the encouraging words time and time again about how God would not give me something i cannot handle. at times i feel like i can handle this with ease, and at others i feel brought down to my knees with emotional trauma.

my life has always been a roller coaster ride that i thought everyone experienced equally. the notion of being abandoned by this world with these thoughts and sentenced to a lifetime of emotional solitude due to the illnesses bring extreme suffering upon my already sensitive emotions. Loniless harbors resentment in the realm of my 2 minds and it is during lonely times that the fear of what lies within my skull overtakes me and leaves me paralyzed..

but not paralyzed enough to not write, to not cultivate the deep depression that resides within, and to not become overrun with helpless anxiety....

today i feel trapped, trapped between two tidal waves of emotion. i feel afraid of what these waves will do, what i KNOW they will do. I feel helpless in controlling the feelings i will feel when one or both of the waves come crashing..... i look to my God and pray "For with you God, nothing is impossible".

-- 2 Minds

About Me: Welcome!

Welcome to my blog, I hope you read, comment, enjoy, and take from me what you will.

-2 Minds