About Me: Lately

A year of silence, a silenced mind, and a silenced life.   My wife and I were married in January and that seems to be my life's turning point.  That seems to be the turning point of many people's lives.  What if I don't like the road my life has unexpectedly turned down?  What if the road I've turned down isn't what I was looking forward to, preparing for, and needing?  Why is this road paved?  Where is my adventure?

Life as a manic-depressive has taken a turn for what some people would call "the best".  But would I?  Is this life really the best for me?   God, how could it actually even be better for me?  32.85 grams of lithium seems to be standing in my way.  Thats how much lithium was given to my body last year.  The roaring passion once held for my wife, for my mind, for the very air I breathed seems to have dwindled to mere embers towards the bottom of the fire.  I find myself envious of those around me.  Those with happy-go-lucky smiles, those with jovial smiles, those with anger issues, and even those in depression.  I want to FEEL like they do.  What's happened to me?  Why can I not feel sad, why can I not feel elated?  It's been almost 2 years since I've been diagnosed, why does it feel like I am losing touch with life instead of gaining a perspective on the life I was missing?  Why do I feel like I wasn't missing a thing?

After the wedding and honeymoon, the excitement was over.  We had jobs, we had school, we had...Responsibility.  A vacation to Colorado seemed to be our respite from the world's hold on our love affair with each other and our own lives.  Upon arriving back from vacation, it was almost immediate immersion into the same flaccid romance of life.  I almost sometimes want to be struggling financially, want to be struggling to make ends meet, to wonder if my wife loves me, or thinks I'm attractive.  It feels as if all the appeal of the unknowns and intangibles of marriage have been yanked out and replaced by "comfortable" emotions.  I can't find any ounce of evidence to find her at fault, but at the same time I can't find any supporting my failure.  I want to say it hurts, i want to cry, I want to unload when she says "I'm bored with marriage, I wish we weren't married because I'm so bored all the time. I would have broken up with you by now had we been dating."  It's not what you think either.... I want to be hurt,  I want to cry, because I agree with her. 

There's no excitement anymore and I can't figure out who to blame: the lithium, the responsibility, my wife, myself, or all of it.  Perhaps the first step to recovering the love of life is to reveal the lack of said love.  It's gone.  I miss it.  I want it.  At the writing of these words I can feel deep dormant feelings awakening.  A year of silence, a  year without writing, and a year without excitement.  Writing has been a my love for most of my life.  It released my tear struck, bloodstained, impassioned, and love-ridden emotions onto paper, onto the keyboard, out of my soul.  I'm tired of the silence, of the darkness.  My relationship with God, my wife, myself have all been affected by this. 

About Me: Medication

I've been on Lithium, Remeron, and Seroquel for 9 months now. I think they have tremendously helped with intially controlling me when I couldn't control myself. But as I've slowly regained control of my mind and my life I have been able to thwart many "psychotic" thoughts and start building a new, better life.
Of course I know the medication helps as well, but I strongly believe that self-awareness is the best medication for my disorder. You can give me all the meds in the world, sedate me, but I'll eventually become increasingly resistant to the treatment if I don't "buy in" to several things: 1. Yes I have this disorder. 2. Yes I NEED this medication to live a happy, better life. 3. I must be proactive, because this is MY LIFE first and foremost.
My spiritual life has been a blessing as well. Before my diagnosis I "felt" God sometimes and didn't others. My relationship, if I can call it that, with Him was hit and miss, up and down, unpredictable, on fire sometimes and completely dormant others, just as my life was. Since I have regained control...actually it's not regained, that insinuates I once had control...
Once I finally gained control of my mind, it very obediently followed my heart into a deep, prayerful, and meaningful relationship with my Lord and Savior. This has increasingly become the rock solid foundation I can rely upon in times of stress, happiness, anxiety, joy, anger, whatever. My spiritual side has become what it needs to be. The core, the center, the definition of me.
My relationship with God, my self-awareness and proactive approach to my illness, and lastly my physical medication have all been the right "prescription" for me.

Ramblings: Strength

I tell myself over and over again that it is Ok to be bipolar. That God gave me this "affliction" for a reason. That yes, this is a weakness, but with help from Him I can fight the battles he's given me. I repeat several times daily Hebrews 11:34 -"Out of weakness, they were made stronger". I am somehow stronger because of this weakness. I've heard it said many times, it's ok to cry and I always remember this verse when I do, but something feels wrong.

Let me preface this by saying I am not sexist, I value a woman as much as a man, and I also value this affliction and those afflicted like I.

Recently I've read many blogs written by those afflicted with bipolar disorder. All but two have been men, and each one is struggling just as much or more than I. They all have someone to lean on, someone to cry to, someone to fall before at thier weakest point.

I feel like I have to be the strength, the solid rock of my relationship with my fiance. I feel as if the only time I can cry, the only time I can release what needs to be released is when I am conversing with God, or pouring my heart into my journal, or this blog, all of which my fiance has no part in. I feel as if it's ok for the women I read about to run to thier "understanding" husbands or boyfriends. I know my fiance needs strength and wants to be led. We have been at a very fragile point recently and I feel like running to her with my feelings would only lessen her "trust" in me as the head of the household.

This is why I'm looking fervently forward to premarital counseling. I think this will come up and the pastor and my fiance will both help me find a way to lean on her without putting all of my emotional weight into it (I've got plenty - believe me).

We can't stand being apart. We both need the other. When we're apart we really feel lost and incomplete. This is most of the explanation of why we have been struggling. We spent a couple days together, and as usual they were wonderfully amazing. Only four more days until we see each other every day until we get married!

As cloudy as it may sometimes seem... I am so happy I proposed... I'm so happy fate dropped us together in the exact places we were almost one year ago. I want the relationship we have with each other and God to grow. This pyramid is our strong fortress that sustains us, and I happily look forward to buildingn upon this rock solid foundation......I've said it many times to many people, but have never meant it the way I do when I say it now... I love her.

Ramblings: Fine Lines

The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.

There is a fine line between two lovers that should always be addressed, but is most often left unspoken and unresolved. How should I act and think as a husband? I know it's drastically different than the way I act and think as a single man. I am to be responsible for the welfare of two people now instead of just myself.

Of my many traits with BP, I have found the most easy to come by is my confidence levels. For the most part they are extremely high, and at times become rather inflated. When my fiance expresses doubts and nervousness looking at a life with me, I cannot help but be offended and deeply cut. Her lack of confidence makes it almost impossible for me to supress any resentment I feel because of it. If I didn't have confidence in her abilities or her in general I wouldn't want to marry her, I know that.

She's been hurt. Hurt bad. She can't trust men, she can't let go of the pain, and she can't love me with all of her heart sometimes. I understand this, but I still take it personal every time I'm given attitude. I feel as though she should "submit" to me and have confidence in where I will lead us. I also feel that deep down she thinks she should lead and be the head of the household because men aren't to be trusted...........

There's a very thin torn line I am walking between the seemingly impossible tasks of fighting her pain and fighting her...

It's tiresome

Ramblings: Ready for School

I’m just about ready for classes to start back up again. It’s not that I don’t enjoy living at home, working where I work, or being in my hometown. I just really miss my friends at school. This year will probably be the last year I see some of my friends and I would really love to spend as much time as I can just hanging out with them. My fall semester is probably going to eat me alive. I finish all of my major classes and most of my minor classes. I’ll probably spend an hour or two a day on homework!! Gasp! Ha, yeah I know as a senior I should probably spend more, but that’s actually pretty much double what I have spent the last 3 years.

Winter break will be utterly amazing. The stress from school, wedding planning, moving, and finances will be gone, and I can concentrate on Christmas and loving my bride to be. We’ll be married in January, take a cruise to Jamaica, Cozumel, and the Grand Caymans. Ugh, the prospect of a vacation seems so foreign to me. I haven’t had one in 9 years. I could really use one, and will really NEED one after all the stress from fall.

After a wonderful break, I’m set to take 5 classes in the spring. All of these classes are freshman level. So I can concentrate on helping my new wife apply for graduate assistantship at conservatories around the country and find jobs in whatever city she picks! I’ve got so much to look forward to and I’m sooo thankful for everything! My mood today is one of anticipation.

On a side note: The Gilmore Girls has the best dialogue of any TV show ever!!

Prayers: Tonight

Tonight I feel connected to my feelings. I feel tied to them. A strange sense of peace has overcome me since Sunday night. A very strange controllable peace. For some reason unbeknown to me I am able to grasp my emotional ups and down. My medicine has been more stable. I don't feel lost, I don't feel helpless. I feel empowered.

I don't want to lose this power. I don't want to lose the control over myself. I want to face adversity with this new found peace and stability. I want to live according to His will. I want to daily submit myself to Him. I pray that I implement "teamwork" in my relationships.

I feel so much growth lately. So much spiritual movement. I kind of wish I wasn't on my medication so I would be able to "feel" this more. But the good thing about it now, is that I can appreciate, respect, and cultivate the feeling.

I pray for joy for my fiance and me. I pray for relief from a storm for my friend in an abusive relationship. I want to help her, but don't know what to do.

Prayers: What Sin?

What sin? is exactly what God says every time I bring him a load of my garbage. I'm tired of knowing what is right and doing what is wrong. It hurts my relationship with God, it kills me inside, and it is seriously threatening my relationship with my fiance.

Tonight I prayed a vow to Him. I vowed to abstain from the sin. I asked God to help me with the vow, just as I will ask him to help me with the vows my fiance and I share with each other on the big day. I want to wake up every morning and ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit, ask him to fill me to the brim with the joy and splendor of Salvation. Vows are meant to be sacred, an extremely important thing between God and a person. Tonight, last night, last week, tomorrow, all of these days have one thing in common..... Each day I want God to help me with this addiction. I want Him to help. I want Him to come into my life and repel the temptation with one fail swoop.

I've tried, time and time again. Nothing ever seems to work, I've worked this out over and over. I really don't want it, I really don't need it, but why then, WHY must I face it almost on a daily basis. Why??? Because for some inexplicable reason I choose to reject God, I choose to fight this on my own.

I cannot finish the race alone, I haven't started the race, and most definitely cannot persevere during the race without the God of the Universe breathing life into me. Because of His Son, I am saved. Because of my acceptance I am filled with conviction about my sin. Why can I not believe He will deliver me?

Antics: Well Well

Something I really want to have in life is the ability to make people happy. The ability to be political. Right now I am too blunt, too forceful, and too overbearing. When I am not either of those I am shy and reserved. My father is the ultimate at this. For some reason down deep inside I feel this is impossible for me. I feel that if people don't like and accept me for who I am why should I have to bend over backwards, be someone I'm not to get something from them? In my current choice of profession, it would behoove me to play the political games to advance more quickly. I guess I kind of agree why that is the case, but I would rather be promoted by how well I worked rather than by what my bosses thought of my attitude.

I like to realize that I am not perfect and I like goals. I want to strive to become a better person, a better Christian, a better fiance, a better friend, and better worker. I don't want to become so dead-set in my ways that I am unable to better myself. I thank God for making me the way that I am and then giving me the tools to make something of myself.

So I finally got Fedora Linux loaded on my laptop! It was about time. Now I am about to spend the next couple hours trying to get wireless card to work. What's cool is I am actually updating this from Linux using Blog Entry Poster. Overall I'm fairly happy with the installation. It could have gone a bit smoother, but the cd-rom in my laptop is shot, so I'll take what I can get.

I actually wanted to re-install windows, but for some strange reason my cd-rom only reads DVDs, and those only half the time and not all the way through.

Prayers: I'm not the same

My prayer for today is for those who are unaccepted. Myself included. I pray that we look inside of ourselves and accept the out-reached hands of the neighbors around us. Everyone has been unaccepted at one point in their lives. Everyone has treated someone else unacceptably. My prayer is that I treat others with the same accepting heart that God has shown me through His Son and His Word. I also pray that I look inside of myself and rid myself of the fear of being unaccepted. I know that this fear has caused a lot of the drift between myself and many of the people I know.

For some reason I am unaccepting of certain types of people at a specific church. I am actually afraid to go in there and I honestly don't believe this stems from my social anxiety. The passion isn't lacking, but I want the confidence to raise my arms in church. Everyone else has their arms raised, and I know I am invited to raise mine, but my fear overtakes me. I pray that the fear within all of us is reckoned with.

My life is not mine. My life died when I accepted Christ into my soul. Why do I try to live as if he doesn't reside within my heart?
God gave himself bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder when I was diagnosed, why am I resentful or ashamed? God gave this to Himself through me... If I were smart I'd bring it to him daily, just as I take my medicine daily. Maybe that's what I'll do, with each pill I will say a prayer to the Lord who has given me the disorders and the means to combat them.

- 2 Minds

Ramblings: Frustration

For some reason unbeknown to me it is increasingly difficult to install Fedora Core 5 on my laptop. If my cd rom drive wasn't such a piece of crap I think this would have worked swimmingly, but the network installation is proving to be a wee bit more difficult that I expected. It seems as though all of the packages i downloaded from red hat's website have corrupt packages in them... Very odd!

on to more meaningful topics.

the marriage topic! A few doubts have arisen in both of our minds. I guess we're just a little anxious about what marriage actually means to us and to the world. she's worried about the financial strains that we might go through and probably will go through. I am also worried about that as well, but i think behind both of our worries is an underlying uneasyness as to the actual responsibilities that it brings with it. I'm sort of glad that we are able to express our doubts and worries with each other. I am also very happy that of all the doubts we've expressed to one other my illness has yet to surface. It's been relatively quiet and subtle for the last 7 months. Although times are still hard every once and awhile she really recognizes what is the illness and what is me, even when sometimes i can't distinguish between the two.

there are times in my life when i realize that there are good and bad things in my life and how i deal with each predicts my future. life is inevititably divided into 2 portions and i am excruciatingly reminded almost daily of this bitter truth. I have learned a lot about myself in the past 8 months. a lot more than I would have had I not found out i was bipolar, a lot more than i would have had i not met my fiance, and a lot more than i would have had i not renewed my relationship with Christ.

"For with God, nothing is impossible." - Luke 1:37