About Me: Medication

I've been on Lithium, Remeron, and Seroquel for 9 months now. I think they have tremendously helped with intially controlling me when I couldn't control myself. But as I've slowly regained control of my mind and my life I have been able to thwart many "psychotic" thoughts and start building a new, better life.
Of course I know the medication helps as well, but I strongly believe that self-awareness is the best medication for my disorder. You can give me all the meds in the world, sedate me, but I'll eventually become increasingly resistant to the treatment if I don't "buy in" to several things: 1. Yes I have this disorder. 2. Yes I NEED this medication to live a happy, better life. 3. I must be proactive, because this is MY LIFE first and foremost.
My spiritual life has been a blessing as well. Before my diagnosis I "felt" God sometimes and didn't others. My relationship, if I can call it that, with Him was hit and miss, up and down, unpredictable, on fire sometimes and completely dormant others, just as my life was. Since I have regained control...actually it's not regained, that insinuates I once had control...
Once I finally gained control of my mind, it very obediently followed my heart into a deep, prayerful, and meaningful relationship with my Lord and Savior. This has increasingly become the rock solid foundation I can rely upon in times of stress, happiness, anxiety, joy, anger, whatever. My spiritual side has become what it needs to be. The core, the center, the definition of me.
My relationship with God, my self-awareness and proactive approach to my illness, and lastly my physical medication have all been the right "prescription" for me.

Ramblings: Strength

I tell myself over and over again that it is Ok to be bipolar. That God gave me this "affliction" for a reason. That yes, this is a weakness, but with help from Him I can fight the battles he's given me. I repeat several times daily Hebrews 11:34 -"Out of weakness, they were made stronger". I am somehow stronger because of this weakness. I've heard it said many times, it's ok to cry and I always remember this verse when I do, but something feels wrong.

Let me preface this by saying I am not sexist, I value a woman as much as a man, and I also value this affliction and those afflicted like I.

Recently I've read many blogs written by those afflicted with bipolar disorder. All but two have been men, and each one is struggling just as much or more than I. They all have someone to lean on, someone to cry to, someone to fall before at thier weakest point.

I feel like I have to be the strength, the solid rock of my relationship with my fiance. I feel as if the only time I can cry, the only time I can release what needs to be released is when I am conversing with God, or pouring my heart into my journal, or this blog, all of which my fiance has no part in. I feel as if it's ok for the women I read about to run to thier "understanding" husbands or boyfriends. I know my fiance needs strength and wants to be led. We have been at a very fragile point recently and I feel like running to her with my feelings would only lessen her "trust" in me as the head of the household.

This is why I'm looking fervently forward to premarital counseling. I think this will come up and the pastor and my fiance will both help me find a way to lean on her without putting all of my emotional weight into it (I've got plenty - believe me).

We can't stand being apart. We both need the other. When we're apart we really feel lost and incomplete. This is most of the explanation of why we have been struggling. We spent a couple days together, and as usual they were wonderfully amazing. Only four more days until we see each other every day until we get married!

As cloudy as it may sometimes seem... I am so happy I proposed... I'm so happy fate dropped us together in the exact places we were almost one year ago. I want the relationship we have with each other and God to grow. This pyramid is our strong fortress that sustains us, and I happily look forward to buildingn upon this rock solid foundation......I've said it many times to many people, but have never meant it the way I do when I say it now... I love her.

Ramblings: Fine Lines

The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.

There is a fine line between two lovers that should always be addressed, but is most often left unspoken and unresolved. How should I act and think as a husband? I know it's drastically different than the way I act and think as a single man. I am to be responsible for the welfare of two people now instead of just myself.

Of my many traits with BP, I have found the most easy to come by is my confidence levels. For the most part they are extremely high, and at times become rather inflated. When my fiance expresses doubts and nervousness looking at a life with me, I cannot help but be offended and deeply cut. Her lack of confidence makes it almost impossible for me to supress any resentment I feel because of it. If I didn't have confidence in her abilities or her in general I wouldn't want to marry her, I know that.

She's been hurt. Hurt bad. She can't trust men, she can't let go of the pain, and she can't love me with all of her heart sometimes. I understand this, but I still take it personal every time I'm given attitude. I feel as though she should "submit" to me and have confidence in where I will lead us. I also feel that deep down she thinks she should lead and be the head of the household because men aren't to be trusted...........

There's a very thin torn line I am walking between the seemingly impossible tasks of fighting her pain and fighting her...

It's tiresome

Ramblings: Ready for School

I’m just about ready for classes to start back up again. It’s not that I don’t enjoy living at home, working where I work, or being in my hometown. I just really miss my friends at school. This year will probably be the last year I see some of my friends and I would really love to spend as much time as I can just hanging out with them. My fall semester is probably going to eat me alive. I finish all of my major classes and most of my minor classes. I’ll probably spend an hour or two a day on homework!! Gasp! Ha, yeah I know as a senior I should probably spend more, but that’s actually pretty much double what I have spent the last 3 years.

Winter break will be utterly amazing. The stress from school, wedding planning, moving, and finances will be gone, and I can concentrate on Christmas and loving my bride to be. We’ll be married in January, take a cruise to Jamaica, Cozumel, and the Grand Caymans. Ugh, the prospect of a vacation seems so foreign to me. I haven’t had one in 9 years. I could really use one, and will really NEED one after all the stress from fall.

After a wonderful break, I’m set to take 5 classes in the spring. All of these classes are freshman level. So I can concentrate on helping my new wife apply for graduate assistantship at conservatories around the country and find jobs in whatever city she picks! I’ve got so much to look forward to and I’m sooo thankful for everything! My mood today is one of anticipation.

On a side note: The Gilmore Girls has the best dialogue of any TV show ever!!