About Me: The first day
i am writer, a man, Christian, and yes i am bipolar. My goals are to remain anonymous, to impact the world, and to serve my Lord. i want to live without this disorder as well as the anxiety disorder that resides on top of it. i want to live like normal people do, but i am unable. i never want to take my medication, but i have to. sometimes it feels as if i am bodnded with chains while the rest of the world can move about freely. yes i know this chained feeling is "normal" for everyone else, but i am not normal...
It is very humbling for a prideful man to be classified with such a debilitating weakness. i have heard the encouraging words time and time again about how God would not give me something i cannot handle. at times i feel like i can handle this with ease, and at others i feel brought down to my knees with emotional trauma.
my life has always been a roller coaster ride that i thought everyone experienced equally. the notion of being abandoned by this world with these thoughts and sentenced to a lifetime of emotional solitude due to the illnesses bring extreme suffering upon my already sensitive emotions. Loniless harbors resentment in the realm of my 2 minds and it is during lonely times that the fear of what lies within my skull overtakes me and leaves me paralyzed..
but not paralyzed enough to not write, to not cultivate the deep depression that resides within, and to not become overrun with helpless anxiety....
today i feel trapped, trapped between two tidal waves of emotion. i feel afraid of what these waves will do, what i KNOW they will do. I feel helpless in controlling the feelings i will feel when one or both of the waves come crashing..... i look to my God and pray "For with you God, nothing is impossible".
-- 2 Minds
It is very humbling for a prideful man to be classified with such a debilitating weakness. i have heard the encouraging words time and time again about how God would not give me something i cannot handle. at times i feel like i can handle this with ease, and at others i feel brought down to my knees with emotional trauma.
my life has always been a roller coaster ride that i thought everyone experienced equally. the notion of being abandoned by this world with these thoughts and sentenced to a lifetime of emotional solitude due to the illnesses bring extreme suffering upon my already sensitive emotions. Loniless harbors resentment in the realm of my 2 minds and it is during lonely times that the fear of what lies within my skull overtakes me and leaves me paralyzed..
but not paralyzed enough to not write, to not cultivate the deep depression that resides within, and to not become overrun with helpless anxiety....
today i feel trapped, trapped between two tidal waves of emotion. i feel afraid of what these waves will do, what i KNOW they will do. I feel helpless in controlling the feelings i will feel when one or both of the waves come crashing..... i look to my God and pray "For with you God, nothing is impossible".
-- 2 Minds
4 Comments:
I feel the same way - I HATE being bipolar, like you do, as if why was I chosen to be given with this disease? Most of the time, I accept it and do what I need to do to be "normal" - take my meds, see my doc, and everything is fine. The stigma is what gets to me the most. I know there are things that could be worse, but you're not alone...we all feel that way a lot of the time, I think....
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